AUTHOR: M. DATE: 11:42:00 PM ----- BODY:

... has finally made an appearance. And no one pulled out a shotgun. Isadora and I talked about our approach to Nana and The Transracial Adoption question on the way down here to Florida to see my grandmother (34 hours on an Amtrak gives you plenty of time to talk things to death) and decided that the goal was peace and de-escalation. The "this is your first great-grandchild from your only grandchild so get your shit together" tactic I've been taking over the past few months has really gotten me nowhere. Isadora and I decided, with input from more therapists and family members than I'd like to admit, that the bottom line would be to have an intact relationship with Nana and to agree to disagree with her over whether our plan for building our family was the right path. The first 48 hours that we were here no one said word one about this adoption. The subject of babies came up about, oh, 116 times, each time followed by 5 seconds of akward silence that should have been filled naturally by someone talking about our plans for parenting or her plans for playing with a great-grandchild but were instead filled by someone coughing or an akward, segue-less change of subject. Over Chinese food tonight we even talked about the Angelina Jolie and her transracial adoptions. And still nothing, unless you count the sound of me and Isadora kicking each other under the table. Finally I took a deep breath and jumped in. And she pulled through. She's not excited. She doesn't get it. She's worried about two white Jewish lesbians raising an African-American baby. (We decided not to mention the parts about co-sleeping and adoptive breastfeeding. Or do you think that would have helped?) She doesn't understand why I don't want to give birth to our baby. She doesn't think we can love an adopted kid like we would love "our own." She doesn't think SHE can love an adopted kid like she would love "our own" - particularly one whose skin isn't white. It's painful, all of it. But. We had a conversation. No one yelled or threatened to cut anyone else off. We agreed that Isadora and I tend to do things the hard way, and this is no exception. We both talked about our committment to this relationship. Isadora talked to her about some things that she never would have listened to coming from me. We both told my grandmother what a big deal it was that 8 years ago she was freaking out about her grandaughter being a big old queer and now her grandaughter's wife is teaching her how to use her new DVD player. People grow and change, even when they're 89 and stubborn. She admitted as much: when I first told her our plan to adopt she was planning not to even acknowledge this baby. No one's pretending she's looking forward to this now but I think she knew her choices - me and the baby or neither of us - and she chose well. I wasn't so confident. I don't think this is the end of this conversation by anyone's measurements, but for now I'll take it and then some.

-------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Carrie COMMENT-DATE:2:44 AM COMMENT-BODY:Hi. We adopted our AA daughter almost two years ago and thought that everyone in our family would automatically accept her as "ours." We have found though that some people are very good at saying words (stating their beliefs) but clearly have something different in their heart. Your great grandmother might change her tone once the baby is here. Truly, there is nothing in this world more powerful than those tiny hands, those innocent eyes. Once a baby arrives, everything - EVERYTHING - changes.

Carrie >^..^< -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Foxxy One COMMENT-DATE:7:53 AM COMMENT-BODY:I don't know if it would help but there is an organization here in Philadelphia that may have some resources to sway your Grandmother.

It's called Operation Understanding. It's dedicated to showing the similarities between the Jewish and the African American histories and culture.

When my brother was in high school the program was a bit different. They take six Jewish (3 boys/3 girls) and six African American (3 boys/3 girls) students and brought them to Senigal, West Africa then to Israel and then a tour of the US South. They no longer travel but the impact is still strong.

Their website is www.operationunderstanding.org.

I hope your Grandmother changes her mind. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Johnny COMMENT-DATE:8:50 AM COMMENT-BODY:I know a couple (white) who adopted a child whose parents were Hispanic on one side and American Indian on the other. This wasn't an open adoption, but they knew ahead of time the race. The grandma freaked. However, things suddenly changed when grandma saw the innocent 3 day baby in their arms.

I'm NOT saying your situation will have a Disney ending like this couple. But sometimes, you don't know until it is time.

Of course, this grandma has no recollection of any negative thoughts concerning the adoption. Of course. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Anonymous COMMENT-DATE:10:02 AM COMMENT-BODY:happy result! just what I was hoping would come of your trip...that's progress, girl. and little bits add up... -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: C COMMENT-DATE:9:39 AM COMMENT-BODY:HI! Just stumbled across you today. I was an adoptive breastfeeder, attachment parent to a transracially adopted child! I'm not a lesbian, but we can't have everything in common, now, can we?

My husband's family had some massive racial issues to overcome. It is 2.5 years later, and they are still learning and working through some things ... but they love their grandchild! They're just slowly falling in love with her entire race.

It's a process. Hang in there. --------