AUTHOR: M. DATE: 7:02:00 PM ----- BODY:

I got some great comments about this post, and the comments section didn't seem to do the conversation justice. I wanted to go back to a few things that people brought up. Heather rightly pointed out that women of different races and ethnicities are encouraged to make very different choices about pregnancy. She, Shannon and Amber all talked about the flow of money in an adoption and how it can affect who has the information and resources they need. I don't think any of us are kidding ourselves into thinking that all women are offered the same options when faced with a pregnancy they can't/don't want to/don't know how to handle. I guess what I want to say is this: our system is broken. Women who find themselves pregnant without having planned to be are rarely able to make a decision based simply on what feels right to them. The decision is so much more often based on finances, age, mental health, or social pressure. Obviously, the decision she makes - or the decision that is made for her - will impact the rest of her life one way or the other (Kim - I hope it's clear that this is why I talked about abortion and adoption together - not because I think that they affect a person the same way). I appreciate what Susan said about her committment to supporting programs and policies that will improve the circumstances in her daughter's birth country. I believe in adoption. I don't believe in the circumstances that leave people trapped. I feel like it's my job to do what I can to change the circumstances, to support changes that will make sure that anyone who wants to parent can, and anyone who doesn't want to doesn't have to. I don't believe that opting out of the system is the way to fix it. Adoption is one thing I can do both ethically and joyfully.

-------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Anonymous COMMENT-DATE:12:49 AM COMMENT-BODY:This was a great post, as well as the previous one you refrenced. The comments were great- and diverse and respectful. Wonderful discussion.

When we adopted years ago, our agency was a non-profit. Very small fee for the adoptive parents. In our state anyone terminating their parental rights must appear before a judge and must be represented by an attorney. If they can't afford one, one is provided.

I prefer agencies over attorneys. The only two adoption attorneys in town charge 10 x's what our agency charged, and neither will do open adoptions. After interviewing them, we really felt like they were take the money and run. They both suggested adopting out of state so that the baby's mother lived far away. Our agency in contrast, made my daughter's birthparents seek outside counseling (which we paid for) and made them explore what it would take for them to parent.

I truly think our adoption was as ethical as possible. In retrospect maybe we shouldn't have met until after the termination of their rights. However, those two months allowed us to lay a great foundation that we have built on for the last 14 years.

My daughter's birthparents were older (20's) and had parental and financial support to parent. They really did make the choice to place with a bunch of options before them. Did that make it any easier to let someone else parent their child? I don't know. I know they grieved. I know they experienced loss. But I also know they still say they don't regret the decision. I am grateful for that.

I know they wouldn't have had the experience they had if it hadn't been for women crying foul after unethical adoptions. Change only comes when someone fights for it. --------