AUTHOR: M. DATE: 6:38:00 PM ----- BODY:

A couple of very smart and trusted people suggested to me today that I am a bit of a Polyanna, that I tend to sweep things frantically under the rug until the lump gets so big I fall right over it and land on my well-padded ass. I remember my cousins mocking my aunt, two of them pretending to be themselves as teenagers, snorting drugs on the couch, the other pretending to be my aunt as she scrubbed fiercely at a non-existent stain in the counter, singing "clear blue skies, la la la!" Apparently it runs in the family. I can't really write all of what I need to say here, because some of it involves things that, as Kateri wrote today, are just too personal to blog about (really). So maybe this will be a little too obtuse to make sense to anyone not in my head. But I will say that some of those things under the rug caught up to me this week and sent me not falling but crashing. I realized some things this week about my relationship with I. that I've been busily ignoring for months. It's all good stuff. Just not easy. (Remember what I said the other day about Another Fucking Growth Experience?) And in case you're wondering, yes: my last post was pure Polyanna. Which is not to say any of is was or is untrue. But that picture from our wedding was a shot of a time when we felt nothing but unadulterated and uncomplicated joy. And now it's more complicated. It's gorgeous. It's better than I ever imagined. And... it's also really, really hard. I think I'm just starting to get all the things we meant when we read our wedding vows. And there's no part of me - or of her - that isn't committed to keeping those vows, even as they've turned out to be so much harder than we realized. But damn. This is WORK. And of course, as we've both been talking about it here and there to people we love, who have relationships we love, the response across the board has been: "Uh-huh. Yup. It's work." So this week I realized some things I. has been trying to tell me for months. And really Polyanna (or Stepford, CT) is so much smoother sailing. But this is so painful, and also so good. If only I could get that stain off the counter.

-------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: art-sweet COMMENT-DATE:7:43 PM COMMENT-BODY:I'm a little too shy to post wedding pictures on my (brand-spanking-new, supposedly anonymous) blog, but I have that same picture of me and pili up on the chairs, uplifted by the love of our amazing families. And I try to keep that joy in mind through all the stress... -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: FemiKnitMafia COMMENT-DATE:10:55 PM COMMENT-BODY:Uh-huh. Yup. It's work.
Wanna call me? -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Anonymous COMMENT-DATE:10:51 PM COMMENT-BODY:I just wanted to say hang in there. I'm holding good thoughts for you two and can totally relate. The whole partnership thing is complex. But I do think it's good to start to work through some of it now, before you're mamas, when you might be able to give it a little more attention. And, when it's time and she or he finds you, your baby will so benefit from the work you do now. There are few things as stressful as marriage and school, so I can definitely see why you would want to go ahead and throw an adoption into the mix! Haha. Hang in there! I really enjoy your blog and wish I could come to your dinner party without taking a plane. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Anonymous COMMENT-DATE:11:48 PM COMMENT-BODY:Uh-huh. Yup. It's work. Tell you about it sometime, 'case I never mentioned it before. AFGO. --------