AUTHOR: M. DATE: 7:55:00 PM ----- BODY:

Because we're on hold. With the adoption, that is. It was not the way I had thought it would go. But it's okay. Really it is. It's the right thing for us to do right now. I've been thinking a lot of about marriage and relationships recently. I was thinking about calling this post "married people behaving badly," but in fact that's the opposite of what's happening. I think we're on hold because we're both working really hard to behave well. Oh, this stuff is complicated. It's not that we haven't been behaving well. I think I. and I have an incredible relationship. But we're in transition. We're married 2 years this spring, and somewhere in the past 6 months or so we stopped being newlyweds. Being newlyweds was really, really fun. Being an "old married couple" is harder (I know I don't need to qualify the snark in that whole "old" thing for you, right?) But we're both convinced of why we want to be an old married couple, and we're starting to learn what it really means to be a successful old married couple. That's hard work. When we got married, we both went into it with a committment to busting our asses to make things work and the understanding that neither of us believed in marriage simply for the sake of keeping a promise. My mother, I think, was horrified when she heard this. She believes that when you leave the exit doors open you can't help but look out them from time to time and plot your escape. This is a woman who is still married to the person she married in 1972 AND still likes him. I paid attention. I. had a different take on things. We come from different families, and so we have different expectations about marriage and relationships and fighting and forgiveness and honesty and love. This is not rocket science: anyone in a long-term relationship deals with these different kinds of expectations. And it's not insurmountable in the least. But it still comes up anew every time we pass another benchmark in our relationship. On top of all this, we've watched our friends struggle in their relationships when they became parents. Most have come out on top. Most have gone through hell in the meantime. The ones who were great before they had kids came out great, and with somewhat less heartache than the ones who started on less solid footing. We want to be great. We're already great. We want to be greater. So, I was ready and she wasn't, though it didn't start out that way. But she was right. It took me a while to get past the "I just want a baby right now right now right now!" stage so I could see beyond myself and get a glimpse of US. And when I saw us I knew she was right. I don't want to have a baby when only one of us is ready. We don't work that way. As much as we make fun of ourselves for processing the hell out of everything, it works for us. And it's one of the things I love the most about us as a couple. So we're on hold. Right now it's only for a month or so after when we had originally planned to finish the home study. In May, after we move, after I. graduates, we'll take another look and see where we are. We cancelled what would have been our last home study meeting. All the paperwork is done (except for that damn family profile, which I've been worrying off and on for 6 months). All we need to do is meet with our social worker once more when we're ready so she can say she saw us within 30 days of doing her home study write-up. It's wierd. For I.'s sake, and eventually for our sake, I postponed one of the things that I want most. And when it first occured to me that this might need to happen, I cried harder than I've cried in a long time. And trust me when I say that it wasn't a one-time thing. But it's not a sacrifice for I. - it's not all about selflessness and Being Nice to Your Wife. I finally got that it's for both of us. Tonight I read this and it made me cry for a different reason, because it felt so real:

"...being this lucky.... I think I worry that any minute now the planet is going to notice that I'm getting so much of what I've always wanted, realize its cosmic mistake and send me right back to where I belong."

I have so much of what I want. And of course the insanity that happened this week just compounds that feeling. What kind of karma did I accrue in my last life that I get to have all this? So, it breaks my heart to wait. But it's okay, too. It'll happen, and we'll be better parents - and a better family - when it does. Here's hoping for sooner rather than later.

-------- COMMENT-AUTHOR:

Erin COMMENT-DATE:10:25 PM COMMENT-BODY:Wow. My girl and I went though a lot of this too... I'm always been the one who's ready for each new transition first in our relationship (marriage, house, kid, etc) and I think I was ready to parent about two years before J was.

It really, really sucked.

And I definitely had my moments of wheedling (which I'm not proud of) and begging for a timeline and crying.

But I also had the sense (as you do) to realize that this was *the* person I wanted to raise said babies with and that both of us had to be staunchly on the same page in order for us to survive the stress of new parenthood.

And when I think of how we wouldn't have had James -- not "a baby" but *my* baby James -- had our journey to parenthood gone any differently.. well. He was definitely worth the wait.

Here's to you and your girl and to your baby -- who *will* find you.

xo -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR:

LilySea COMMENT-DATE:10:54 PM COMMENT-BODY:We've slowed down on our #2 track for the same reason. We have some friends who started having major problems while pregnant with #2 and it looks like they really might not make it--with two tiny children and the second adoption not even complete (2nd parent adoption that is--ouch).
So we stepped back and re-evaluated and decided to take a breather for a couple of months and make sure we're really ready.
Marriage is super hard as it is.
Parenting is a whole different thing from marriage and also super hard.
Juggling both really takes dedication, and sometimes that means slowing down... -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR:

Ber COMMENT-DATE:12:51 PM COMMENT-BODY:My partner and I went through similar stuff. She's always wanted to be a mom, plus she's five years older than me, so she was "ready" soon after we got together. I was very ambivalent about the whole kids thing. She kept pushing me, and I kept an eye on an exit strategy. We loved each other enough to see that wasn't healthy. It was the best thing for us. It took me a few years to get ready, but now I am, and I can't wait to be a mom. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR:

susan COMMENT-DATE:8:17 PM COMMENT-BODY:You're being brave and honest and thoughtful, Marisa. We were never in the position of putting the adoption on hold, but we processed the decision for 3, 5 years before we were both ready to go ahead, and those last years were hard. But we knew we needed the time to make the right decisions, ultimately.

But it's hard when you have to step back from something you know you want in order to help the relationship you want proceed. I wish you peace with that part of the decision.

And hugs. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR:

Sparky COMMENT-DATE:11:44 PM COMMENT-BODY:I haven't checked in for a while and I am just catching up. Smart move to put things on hold until you are both ready. I am sad for you but in the end I do think that this work work itself out. Bob and I went through the same thing...he was ready, I wasn't quite there. He waited for me. He never hounded me. Our marriage got stronger as a result. --------