AUTHOR: M. DATE: 1:51:00 PM ----- BODY:

By special request, in an email this week:

I was wondering if you might write about 1) if you know of adoptive gay couples who have adopted and divorced and 2) if there is anything special about that case when it comes to child custody issues?... The reason I write about this is that I had read about the spate of divorces of gay couples in MA about a year after gay marriage was offered... I always thought, "Hmmm, now they certainly have the right to marry and divorce. But... did many of them rush into it because they had been waiting for it and just thought, 'Let's do it before the window closes'?

Goody! I am a big nerd about this stuff. It's not just personal, either - it also just so happens that I am gay for pay (I'm not kidding - I actually get a paycheck for talking about this stuff). I'll try to keep it reasonably short. First, the divorce issue. Basically, I think that some same-sex couples are getting divorced already because, well, shit happens. Some people probably rushed into things because they got excited or because they were afraid the window would close. (As an aside: I. and I rushed, kind of. We were planning our wedding for August 2004, but when May 17th rolled around and same-sex marriage became a reality, and the wedding planning was turning into the Monstrous Mutant Project That We Never Meant For It To Become, we went to City Hall in late May and had our first little wedding all to ourselves. We couldn't have stomached letting another 2 1/2 months go by without knowing if we would lose the opportunity. ) The circumstances are a little different than for straight couples, but I'll go out on a limb and say that I don't think it's just GLBT folks who rush into marriage. And I think the fuss is about the ~~Media's~~ Emperor's new clothes. Some of these couples were together for a long time and happened to legalize their relationship at a time when maybe their relationship wasn't going so well. Some of them probably legalized their relationships and found that the change brought up some stuff that didn't work for them. And some of these marriages failed because... some marriages just fail. And then there's the question about divorce and child custody. Basically, marriage is about the relationship of two adults. In theory, it's unrelated to parental rights. But because we live in a culture that ties a whole slew of otherwise-unattainable or hard-to-get rights to marriage, marriage rights ends up having a big impact on parenting too. If I. and I both adopted a baby, or one of us gave birth to a baby and the other one adopted, and then we broke up, it wouldn't matter if we were married or not, because we're both legally that kid's parents - just like if an unmarried straight couple broke up. The custody and visitation and child support stuff is the same. If we lived in another state that doesn't allow same-sex second parent adoption, and we broke up, we'd be at the mercy of the judge. If the judge doesn't recognize us as a real family and the non-legal parent as a real parent, everyone loses - the non-legal parent may not get any custody or visitation rights and the legal/biological parent and the child may not get any child support. On the flip side, though, marriage rights grease the wheels for gaining legal custody of children who aren't biologically yours. Massachusetts already allowed for same sex-second parent adoption (if a kid was born to one member of the couple or had already been adopted by one of them), but unmarried couples (queer or straight) can't adopt a kid simultaneously. Now, because we're married, I. and I will be able to file one petition for Future Kid and that will be that. Also, because of a wierd little loophole that assumes that the spouse of a woman giving birth is also the parent of a child, two married women can both be listed on the birth certificate of a baby born to one of them (Trippy, right? Take that, Governor!) It's still recommended that they do a second-parent adoption if they ever want to step a toe outside Massachusetts, though, because most states don't recognize the marriage and could challenge the legal parenting status of the non-bio parent. Lecture over. I'll leave you with these:

Ohio lawmaker to propose ban on GOP adoption.
If an Ohio lawmaker's proposal becomes state law, Republicans would be barred from being adoptive parents... State Sen. Robert Hagan sent out e-mails to fellow lawmakers late Wednesday night, stating that he intends to "introduce legislation in the near future that would ban households with one or more Republican voters from adopting children or acting as foster parents." The e-mail ended with a request for co-sponsorship.

And:

I do wish George Bush would start paying attention to issues that are important for the country. Gay marriage, for instance. I don't understand why the religious right fears homosexuality. They say it's an abomination. The Bible says that shellfish are also an abomination. They who oppose sodomy must also oppose scallops.
- Jon Stewart

-------- COMMENT-AUTHOR:

susan COMMENT-DATE:6:10 AM COMMENT-BODY:Nice post, Marisa.

Another issue involved in the lack of ability to divorce (for those of us who aren't in a position to be legally married) is the effects of custody disputes in creating judicial precedent about who's a parent. There are a string of cases in which biological parents have asserted in court that the non-bio parent (the ex-partners) isn't a parent to the child. And while there have been some courts ruling that both partners were parents, there have been other courts who have concurred with the "you're not a parent" argument (I'm too lazy to look up case names right now--there was one in Virginia last fall that made the national news b/c it involved a couple that had been civilly united in Vermont and then one of them moved to Virginia; there's also a case like this moving around in my state's system). And that hurts all of us. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR:

Foxxy One COMMENT-DATE:8:09 AM COMMENT-BODY:Beautiful Post Marisa. I actually spoke with someone who truly believes that gay marriage will hurt straight marriage. I asked him how (this was about 5 or 6 weeks ago) and I'm still waiting for a response. I can't understand how two people loving each other can effect other people other than having a positive impact.

There is a couple that Marc and I are friends with. I can honestly say that have had a profound impact on our marriage. They went through a bad time that involved lying, drug abuse, stealing and physical abuse. They had been together 5 years and didn't want to throw away their lives together. They knew how much they love each other. They went through intense counseling and are not only together, but have pursued their dreams and have a very successful business together.

Oh, and they are gay.

They taught us how much work a true marriage can be and how beautiful it can be if you take the time to work through your issues.

Both Marc & my parents have been divorced & remarried.

Sorry to be so bloggity on your blog.

~putting soap box away~ -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR:

Anonymous COMMENT-DATE:10:18 AM COMMENT-BODY:Okay, I'm incredibly intrigued at how you can be gay-for-pay, given that I'm gay-for-free. A lot. But I digress. The NCLR keeps a list of custody disputes involving same-sex couples here: http://www.nclrights.org/publications/states_custodycases_0105. It's useful, if depressing, reading, because it illustrates how much the custodial rights of the non-biological/non-adoptive vary from state to state. Yet another reason to allow same-sex couples to marry. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR:

Johnny COMMENT-DATE:6:46 PM COMMENT-BODY:First, I have to say that any story that gets onto the news is because of the rarity and the "spicy" factor of seeing gay-vs-gay as a story. There certainly are many deadbeat parents who are "straight" (just look for the closest billboard).

Thanks. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR:

LilySea COMMENT-DATE:2:52 PM COMMENT-BODY:Thanks for giving it away, when you deserve to be (and usually are) paid for it! --------