AUTHOR: M. DATE: 5:21:00 PM ----- BODY:

This post was written over several days, but not posted until now because I wasn't quite ready. You know how it goes. Friday night 6/23 Oh my. We have... a situation. Tonight we met with a social worker who presented this to us: a couple due in late July with a baby they are unable to raise. Their life is... difficult. More difficult than I think I can really imagine. They are making an adoption plan. They haven't seen our profile, but the social worker has talked to them about us, and they like the sound of us. We were given their paperwork. First names, family histories, medical histories, education level, hobbies. All in her handwriting. They live in a very conservative state, one that has written things against our relationship into their state constitution. This is tricky. More legal work needs to be done to see if this is even truly a possibility. At best, we will have to submit a different version of our home study, one that says one of us is an adoptive parent and one of us is a roommate. That's painful - we've never been in the closet and don't have any intention of starting now - but something I think we can live with, since the parents and both agencies (the one in their state and the one we're working with) have the real information and our profile, and we could still finalize an adoption together in our home state. To be determined. If that looks like a go, the agency will send this family our profile, and after that we will get more medical information. This weekend we do legal research and crunch bank account numbers. And run around in circles, panicking. Tonight, though... After our meeting we got into the car together, talking a mile a minute, hardly letting each other finish a sentence. We walked through the grocery store in a fog, pulling things indiscriminately off shelves. I. drove me back to my car and called my cell phone before I had the key in the ignition. We couldn't stop talking until we had nothing left to say. I hope they don't need us. And I hope we can be there for them if they do. So I don't know what to hope for. Their loss is our gain. It's such a difficult thing to want. ***************** Sunday 6/25, 5:30 pm I lost my cool about an hour ago. I was doing okay. Yesterday I woke up with nausea-inducing levels of heartburn, but then I went to the gym and sweated my way into a little bit of a zen state (and better digestion). Last night we had family over for dinner, fajitas on the grill and wine and good company and great distraction. Then I. woke me up at 3 to ask me how on earth I could be sleeping, and even then I keep my cool, mumbling something about how if this was meant to be it would happen and wrapping my arms around her before I fell asleep again. Today, though. We talked to our social worker and I just have a knot in my stomach. She doesn't know if this can happen legally. We're still trying to figure out if this state actually has a ban on same-sex couples adopting, and how or if their marriage ban affects us. She's not feeling optimistic about it. We're not sure if the placement agency is saying it's possible because they have more information than we do, or way less. I'm not feeling good about it right now. In 10 minutes I might feel differently. Today we met a lesbian couple who just adopted a baby from Louisiana - hardly a queer-friendly state. But they're not married. We're still not sure how much difference it makes, since the marriage isn't recognized outside the state lines. Tomorrow: set up a case conference with the placement agency and our social worker to figure out if this is even a possibility before our profile goes to the family. Fingers crossed that the agency did their homework and wouldn't really have told a family about us without knowing if this was even a legal possibility. I'm starting to get why people use terms like "roller coaster" to describe this process. And I keep thinking: as hard as this feels for us right now, this is 1000 times worse for this baby's parents. Oh boy. ****************** Sunday, 8:30 pm I thought I was losing it around 5:30? I was wrong. Now I'm really losing it. My wife went out to dinner with her mom, and I'm pacing back and forth across our (not-so-large) apartment. Why? It's not like I'm waiting for the phone to ring. Nothing can even begin to get sorted out until tomorrow. Must. Find. Distraction. Or at least something to knock me unconscious. ******************** Monday, 11 am Spent half the night twilighting, my brain still going a hundred miles an hour. This can't possibly be how the whole process will work. This level of anxiety can't possibly be sustained (even by me - and that's saying a lot). Have already left messages with several legal hotlines to get their opinion. The agency is working with their own lawyer on it. Stupid homophobic states. ******************* Monday, 1:15 pm Legal information looking better. The Mom went to the hospital this weekend, believing she was in labor. They sent her home. Someone in my office must have Tums. ******************* Monday 9:20 pm Made about a hundred phone calls today to GLAD, Lambda Legal, National Center for Lesbian Rights, various lawyers. Apparently the reason we can't get a straight answer is because there is no straight answer. Welcome to uncharted legal territory, an exciting place to begin building your family. ****************** Tuesday, 12:30 pm Oh. my. god. Can we PLEASE get a straight freakin' answer?

-------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Anonymous COMMENT-DATE:5:40 PM COMMENT-BODY:Good Luck.

Could one of you adopt and then the second do a second parent adoption in your home state? In Minnesota we can do second parent adoption.

Anyway hang in there. I know it's a crazy ride. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: art-sweet COMMENT-DATE:5:55 PM COMMENT-BODY:holy crap. holy crapity crap crap crap.

And then the puckish side of my brain says: Do you really want a straight answer?

I hope this works out the right way for you - whatever that may be.

Holy crap! You're going to have a baby (one of these days) I think I have to learn to knit. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Anonymous COMMENT-DATE:6:10 PM COMMENT-BODY:Wow. Fast.

I second anon. isn't there a way one of you can adopt the baby in the red state and then bring it home to the blue state and essentially do something similar to a step-parent adoption?

Here is what I am hoping for peace and grace for all involved, no matter how it turns out. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: susan COMMENT-DATE:8:31 PM COMMENT-BODY:The emotional contortions that come along with the not-quite-legal status our families have in so many contexts just suck. I'm sorry: you'll get through it, but it sucks. I guess maybe you can try to channel some of the power we can access from your status as married lesbians with the ability to threaten civilization and use it for good? :).

Or maybe just knowing your readers are out there rooting for you guys will make a teeny bit of difference in a sucky situation. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: FemiKnitMafia COMMENT-DATE:9:32 PM COMMENT-BODY:Oh lord. Whose ass can I kick? Flames I can throw?

or

should I start knitting somethin' right quick?

LOVELOVELOVE to you and I. and strength from the other outcast family. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Erin COMMENT-DATE:10:49 PM COMMENT-BODY:My very non-legal understanding is that the rules of the state you'll be finalizing in are the ones that apply. As for ICPC, the new 'single parent' homestudy should work.... ??

Annnyway... holy sh*t!! I reeeally hope this works out for you, and as someone who had a 4 week match pre-birth.... I remember these crazy-making days all too well. *hugs* I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed... -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: LilySea COMMENT-DATE:10:51 PM COMMENT-BODY:God, what a mess. One thing we found is that adoption professionals can be all for gay adoption, but that doesn't mean they understand how it's done or any of the legal specifics involved. So I did all the homework myself and then informed the social workers of what we needed.

In short, don't trust the placement agency to know more than you. You probably know more than they do.

The marriage would complicate any attempt to be closeted in any version of a homestudy though, since there's a legal paper trail of your relationship--whether it's recognized legally or not, it will be proveable that you are queer. I've been advised not to get married anywhere if we ever want to do an international adoption for this reason.

I hope all works out well for everyone involved. And that's all I've got!

You all will be in my prayers. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: J COMMENT-DATE:9:21 AM COMMENT-BODY:Though this is crazy, and stressful - I got agita just reading your post - This is also incredibly exciting...and good.

I'm sure the urge to keep your feelings "cool" is huge, but I'm also sure that excitement is starting to build up and boil over.

I wish nothing but the best for you and I....Good Luck! -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Anonymous COMMENT-DATE:11:29 AM COMMENT-BODY:Oh geez, good luck! I'm rooting for you! -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Foxxy One COMMENT-DATE:11:59 AM COMMENT-BODY:Your post made me cry. WHY WHY WHY do we have these laws in our country in today's day and age? Who has the right to tell a parent who can and cannot adopt their child? Oh, this is making me so angry for you and your wife!

You and I and this family are in my prayers. I hope things work out for everyone involved. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Clementine COMMENT-DATE:12:54 PM COMMENT-BODY:Oh, M.! I'm excited and scared and hopeful and worried for you and I., all at once. And I'm with Julie--I'm *furious* that homophobic laws are complicating an already stressful situation. My heart goes out to both of you, and to the baby's parents as well. You're all in my thoughts. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Anonymous COMMENT-DATE:3:15 PM COMMENT-BODY:the emotional rollercoaster is unavoidable. you need somewhere/somehow to center yourself because the coaster is fun a lot of the time but there are times it will make you sick. Then is when you need to get off the ride for a short time and give yourself a break.
Even when it seems like there are a million obstacles to being a parent, just know that one day you will be
Good Luck! -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Anonymous COMMENT-DATE:5:38 PM COMMENT-BODY:If this exceptant couple chooses you, would there be any chance of them giving birth in a gay friendlier state? Yours?

Our son's birthmom gave birth in our state -- which was her request as she did not tell her family of her pregnancy. There's no ICPC process if this child was born in Mass.... I have no idea if this couple (or you) would be okay with this, but if their hearts are set on you being the parents and there's no other way, it's an idea....

GOod luck! -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Hashbrown COMMENT-DATE:8:29 AM COMMENT-BODY:M.
I hear you about the legal limbo of no clear answers about LGBT issues. I am in one of those for a different reason and it is crazy making. Good luck with it all.

I am so excited and nervous for you and I. I cannot even imagine the stress even though I know AJWP and I will be there in a few months of so. Good luck. --------