AUTHOR: M. DATE: 11:30:00 AM ----- BODY:

As we've been creeping slowly forward with our plans to adopt this infant, I've been thinking a lot about what it means to put all my ideas about open adoption into practice. My perspective on open adoption has changed dramatically since we started this process last summer. I remember reading letters to agencies from first parents and adoptive parents about their experiences with open adoption. Some talked about exchanging letters and pictures through the agency; some talked about sharing Thanksgiving meals together. I was blown away. I didn't know anyone involved in an open adoption and it was hard to grasp how the adults involved could get to that point (for the kids it seemed like a no-brainer). There are some great models out there, both first parents and adoptive parents. Some of them have relationships similar to what I hope to have with the other adults involved, and some don't, but all of them have helped me figure out what I want and get (I hope) at least a little bit of a sense of how to get there. If you've been reading for a while you probably know that I really tend to live in my head (Dad, quite yer snickering). So in that sense (and others too) it feels really good to start putting some of what I've learned and come to believe very strongly into practice. I've noticed I haven't heard much recently (especially since I started writing about this potential placement) from some of the first moms who I know read this blog. This isn't necessarily a de-lurking call. But I do want to say that your opinions and ideas have been so valuable to me from the start. Your writing - both your comments here and on your postings on your own blogs - has taught me so much. I'm listening.

-------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Barb COMMENT-DATE:9:12 PM COMMENT-BODY:M- i've always respected your views. there have been several times when i haven't posted because i didn't think it was my right? maybe that's lt? as in "geez, M, i'm sorry its crappy right now..." not having been on that side of the fence...oh, you know what i'm trying to say, right?

you've always been postive and supportive to me. i hope i've been able to reciprocate.

Mahna Mahna ;) -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: LilySea COMMENT-DATE:11:36 PM COMMENT-BODY:One thing we've learned about open adoption is that it is a relationship between adults who each get to bring to it what they choose. That means you can't really have your ideal open adoption (unless it perfectly matches the other family's ideal too). Kinda like marriage, really--you have to accept the other party's full selfhood and right to bring her own experience to bear on the relationship.

I guess I mean to say, it isn't like the adoptive family gets to really decide how it will go. "Open" means letting the first family make that decision WITH you (and keep making it over time).

For us, the result has been a little disappointing, since we didn't just simply "get our way" (especially since we thought our way would be what a first mother would want to do). But it is an even more valid relationship for that very fact. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Anonymous COMMENT-DATE:7:22 AM COMMENT-BODY:I am a birth and adoptive Mom who has just found your blog. Our daughter is from China, and I would give anything to find / be able to try to have a relationship with her birth family. Her sadness at adoption will undoubtedly be so magnified by the gaping hole of not knowing her birth mother especially. I think open adoptions can be beautiful and clearly in the best interests of the child when they can work out. Good luck. Liking your blog.
DS-L -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Anonymous COMMENT-DATE:7:34 AM COMMENT-BODY:Snicker, snicker.
M, I think this is a wonderful and creative way to go about things, so much saner than anything I'm familiar with. No, it won't come out anything like what we try to anticipate, but nothing in life ever does; it can still be awfully good. I have even less idea what place there is for grandparents in this whole thing. I stand waiting. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Michele COMMENT-DATE:10:47 AM COMMENT-BODY:While I dont have direct experience with OA.. a very close cousin (we were raised like sisters) does. She is the birth parent. Her role in the adoptive family has been somewhat of an out of town auntie. (The baby is 2 yrs old) They exchange letters and cards and she plans to visit perhaps twice a year in the spring and then again in the fall. ( They went to the beach for a vacation together last summer) Allowing the adoptive family to create thier own holiday traditions, but still allowing herself to create an appropriate pressence in the baby's life. So far we as the extended family have pretty much treated them as if the baby was thier biological child and they just suddenly became a part of our famly. Weve just looked at it as they adopted our family member, so we adopt them right back. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Poor_Statue COMMENT-DATE:3:10 PM COMMENT-BODY:So I stink at commenting on people's blogs and my recent move and subsequent upheaval of my whole existence has only made it worse.

But I'll de-lurk.

I recommend reading The Open Adoption Experience by Roszia. My daughter's mom and I both read it and it made a huge diffeence for us and really helped us understand that everything we were experiencing was normal.

As far as openness itself, I feel really strongly about it. I think it has to stay about the kid and that while each relationship is different that there does have to be a relationship even though there will be lots of times when both sides want to pull away.

Anyway, I'm really happy for you. I was so disappointed when everything got put on hold.

Feel free to ask me questions anytime and if you ever wanted a coffee get-together, I'm actually in the same state as you. -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: Anonymous COMMENT-DATE:5:37 PM COMMENT-BODY:I have been a birth mom for nearly six years now. After my child was born, I was given the impression by the a-parents that we would have a happy, extended-family "relationship" and that there would be lots of photos and letters and phone calls and semi-frequent visits. After my last face-to-face visit just over two years ago, I haven't seen them since. The A-mother decided it was best to not have as many frequent visits because she felt(my opinion) that I was smothering them. I haven't even received a photo since that last visit.

I am feeling scared that they will not be forthcoming when it comes to telling their daughter the truth about who she is and where she came from. At this point, all she knows is "she was in her mommy's heart." What does that mean? Nothing else has been mentioned and there is nothing I can do about it. Go figure. They have a child, and at one time, she was mine first. Forgive me, but that's how I feel. :( -------- COMMENT-AUTHOR: M. COMMENT-DATE:6:56 PM COMMENT-BODY:Anonymous (this most recent Anonymous)- please don't apologize for your feelings. Your daughter WAS yours first, and that will also be part of her. Part of why I value hearing from birthparents/first parents so much is because, never having been on that end of things, I need to hear this so that I can do everything I can to do even just a little better by the people who give birth and choose me to raise their child - and of course for the child him or herself. Thanks for saying what you've said here. --------